Author: Giridhari Das

You’ve heard of IQ, right? Then people started talking about Emotional Intelligence.  Now, finally, people are valuing Spiritual Intelligence. Here I’ll explain what this is and why it’s so important you develop it.

IQ is intelligence quotient, which measures people’s intelligence in their capacity to process forms, numbers, facts, and words. It measures people’s ability and speed in processing information. It’s like comparing your brain to a computer. The faster the processing power, the better. The focus of IQ is the mind.

But we’re not robots. Being a walking encyclopedia or a computational genius is very nice, but not so useful if the person can’t deal with his or her emotions, nor deal with the emotions of others. Such a person becomes unhappy and even unproductive. Seeing the importance of this, the topic of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) arose in the 1990’s. The world began to value the concept of dealing well with our own personality. The focus of EQ is the heart.

For some years now the academic world has recognized and identified a third type of intelligence, placing our acts and experiences in a broader context of meaning and values: Spiritual Intelligence (SQ). The focus of SQ is the soul.

Researcher Danah Zohar introduced this concept and she identified ten qualities common to spiritually intelligent people. According to her, people who have Spiritual Intelligence has the following characteristics:

1. They practice self-awareness. I always say this is the very first step to a better life. You have to look inside. To use Patanjali’s term expressed in the classic Yoga Sutras, you have to become a witness to your mind.
2. They are motivated by principles and values. More and more research is showing that to be happy we have to go deep and find meaning in all that we do. We’re fooling ourselves if we think we can be happy chasing after superficial things like money, status and sense pleasure only.
3. They can transform adversity into growth. Let’s face it, life’s an endless set of challenges. From the insignificant to the epic, we face adversity pretty much on a daily, if not hourly, basis. Basically, you have three choices when facing adversity. First, you can become despondent and depressed. Secondly, you can become numb and lifeless. And lastly, and obviously, the only way to go, you can grow from it. Yoga will tell you that’s why we’re here: to learn and grow.
4. They take a holistic approach, by seeing things from multiple angles. Problems that seem unsurpassable become easily overcome when seen from a different angle. It’s what they call thinking outside the box. A spiritually intelligent person sees things on multiple levels simultaneously: practical, emotional, experiential and existential. A great example is that of Arjuna in the Bhagavad-gita, who was morose and utterly at a loss as the book begins, but then, having become enlightened in yoga, clearly saw it from a different angle. As a result, he embraced his mission, with enthusiasm and iron-clad determination.
5. They celebrate diversity with a sense of belonging and a tendency to see a connection between diverse things. Yoga means seeing the oneness in all. A spiritually intelligent person will appreciate the need for variety while seeing what unites us all.
6. They are independent and can go against convention. A spiritually intelligent person is being guided by his or her own deeper values and clear vision. Such a person will not care for the uneducated opinion of others nor what the masses are doing.
7. They have a tendency to ask why. In the search for meaning and truth, the spiritually intelligent person first asks “why?”. Not “what?”. Not “how much?”. Is what I’m doing aligned with my purpose, my dharma? That has to be the guiding principle of life.
8. The see the big picture. Nothing is insignificant. Every act is a portion of your life, the expression of your soul. Every moment, the only reality there is.
9. They have compassion and a reluctance to cause unnecessary harm. Because a spiritually intelligent person sees the connection with all others, he or she naturally cannot cause undue harm to any person or creature. If you’re guided by principles, by meaning, there is no room for senseless violence. Therefore, veganism and ecology are natural consequences of becoming spiritually intelligent.
10. They’re spontaneous, knowing how to live in the moment and be present. Being in the here and now is the doorway to all other higher states of consciousness. This is step one for a great life, a great day, or even just a great moment. If you’re not flowing with life, you’re stuck in your head, lamenting the past or yearning for the unreal. It all happens now.

In the book, The 3T Path (https://3tpath.com/books/) you can see in detail how to develop your spiritual intelligence and then experience how this will transform your life.

Watch my video on this topic here, where I explain more deeply each one of these traits of spiritual intelligence.

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “I’ve been practicing The 3T Path and it’s completely transforming my life. After I started listening and reading your precious teachings, I have lived the happiest days of my life, and, as a result, have emanated joy and good consciousness to others.” Ivanildo Viana

We suffer so much because we feel that life and people need to be a certain way. We get frustrated and bewildered by not seeing things happening as we expected or wanted. Does this happen to you? What can you change? See here the importance of flowing with life.

The more we create expectations in our minds as to how people should behave and how things should be, the more we set ourselves up for suffering. The more you think your happiness depends on a combination of external events, the more you’ll experience pain based on the difference between reality and your illusion.

Life happens. Not only are there the individual desires of the countless trillions of life forms, not only are there the forces of the physical universe in play moving atoms and galaxies, but there is also the will of God, as those who have awakened to spiritual life perceive.

And in the middle of all this, you think you can control your destiny? Seriously?

So, we have to learn to flow with life. In China, we find the ancient concept of the TAO, the flux of life. The classic example is that of the leaf floating downstream. When the leaf hits a rock, what does it do? Does it try to break the rock? Does it get angry because a rock got in its way? No. It’ll just flow around the rock and on down the river. You can do the same.

Your river is your purpose, your dharma. You flow through life living your purpose, putting in action your multiple dharmas as I explain in the book The 3T Path (www.3TPath.com/books). You learn to feel the flow of your essence and of living your values. Exactly where and how your life will flow doesn’t matter. The leaf does not care if the river turns to the left or the right, if it’s deep or shallow, fast or slow, nor what rock or log it’ll find in its way.

Life becomes much easier when you develop this ability to let things flow. Let those who need to enter your life, do so. And, just the same, let those who need to leave your life do so too. Understand that a “no” is just as good as a “yes”, because it’s just showing you which way to flow, which path you should take. A closed door is nothing more than a step towards the door you need to open.

Krishna greatly emphasizes this point in the Bhagavad-gita. Practically the most repeated instruction in Krishna’s teachings is the importance of developing equanimity. Equanimity means that you remain “equal” no matter what life brings you. You learn that everything external is just that, “external”, and you’re not affected by it because you’re inside, untouched by external events. What life presents you is only the backdrop for your existence, and the focus remains always the same: doing your dharma, in divine connection. Just, you remain unperturbed.

This really works. As long as you remain fixed in doing your dharma, the best of who you really are, you’ll experience satisfaction and peace, no matter what’s going on outside.

A note of caution: flowing is not spilling. Flowing has direction, has purpose. Spilling is dissipated undirected energy. When we’re running around starting things, only to quit soon afterward, not getting serious about anything… we’re spilling. A sentiment of frustration and confusion will pervade your mind because the action has no flow, no direction. This happens when we don’t know our purpose, our dharmas.

Give up expectations and focus on being who you really are. This means focus on your dharmas, on your deepest nature, and your values. Take on whatever life brings you as an opportunity to express the best of you. As a result, you’ll naturally experience an overall sense of clarity, peace and joy.

Watch my video on this topic here: https://youtu.be/C-rVTgIsUDY.

Yours,

Giridhari Das

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “What a fantastic read.” – Mikey Serino

It’s happened to all of us. And it happens more often than we’d like. Suffering an emotional aggression isn’t easy. It hurts. So, how to deal with it? Here I’ll share 5 steps to deal with it, which will take you from pain to well-being.

Those who don’t take care of themselves and who don’t try to improve and spiritualize their lives, end up filling their hearts with the toxic waste of hate, resentment, jealousy, and so forth. Because they suffer, they lash out and make others around them suffer too. Those who cultivate the victim mentality are especially likely to hurt those nearest to them.

So, what can we do, when this happens to us? Here are 5 steps I recommend:

1. Don’t return the aggression or pass it forward. The last thing you want to do is to lower your consciousness to the level of the aggressor. They’re suffering, and you’ll suffer more if you react in darkness. Hurting others is very painful for the doer, and, in terms of good sense and karma, you’ll just be setting yourself up for more of the same in the future. You will have failed the test, and be forced to go through it again.
2. Don’t ignore, silence and bottle up the pain. If you do this, you’ll poison yourself. This toxic waste you just received is no joke. This stuff is nasty. It’ll burn inside you, whether you’re aware of it or not. It’ll stay there, festering. It won’t go away on its own. It’ll come back in the form of disease or sorrow, or as a stimulus for you to act in aggression in the future.
3. Don’t think you need to educate the aggressor. This is a classic mistake! And it’s a disaster. For one thing, the person attacking you is not even thinking straight. Adrenalin is coursing through their veins, their amygdala is taking over from the cortex, and they’re basically acting like a beast. In this state, no one can learn anything. Further, the person is attacking you. At that moment, they’re hating or despising you. They are certainly NOT seeing you as a teacher, as a superior who can grant them wisdom. Whatever you say, no matter how brilliant, wise or incisive, will be interpreted merely as an attack, adding fuel to the fire.
4. Without accusations, in neutral terms, after some time, communicate your pain to the aggressor. Give it a day or, at least, several hours. Let the passions die down and the brain restore its normal functions. Then, without judgmental tones, without hate, as blandly as possible, communicate the fact. Register the occurrence. By doing this you accomplish two things. First, you get it out of your system. It’s no longer bottled up inside you. Second, you let the aggressor know it’s been noted. It happened. It was wrong and it hurt. Don’t expect a reply. Don’t expect an apology. Require nothing from the aggressor. This is about you, not him or her.
5. To really cleanse yourself of that toxic waste, invoke your greatest weapons: gratitude and love. This is tough, but if you want to really wash off all the toxic waste, you have to use gratitude and love. Bring to mind all the things that make you grateful in your relationship with the person. What about them do you appreciate and admire? How have they helped, at least in terms of you becoming a better, stronger person? And lastly, feel love. Emanate love for the aggressor. If you’re really strong, you can express it personally. If you’re not ready for that, do it internally. But that love, that deep honest desire for the person to be happy and evolved, will fill you with light and harmony, cleansing you of the toxic waste that was dumped on you.

Here are three further considerations to keep in mind.

1. Create limits. As a crucial act of self-love, you must not be around people who are constantly attacking you. Sure, life’s tough, we all hurt others from time to time. It’s understandable. But you can’t submit yourself to regular abuse. It’s good for you, and it’s good for the aggressor to seek distance or simply terminate the relationship.
2. It’s not personal. It’s weird to think that, but it’s true. The aggressor had toxic waste flowing out of him or her. You happened to be there to get it. It’s not about you. Whoever was there, no matter who it was, given time, would have gotten it. It’s not you that’s wrong, it’s the aggressor.
3. Take shelter of God. If you’ve activated your devotion and spirituality, direct your mind to God and His and Her infinite love. Know that this world is a training camp for us deluded souls. We’re here to learn and return to our original state of pure and divine love. If you want to be surrounded by pure loving beings, you’ll have to qualify yourself through the process of self-realization to return to that divine realm.

In the book, The 3T Path (https://3tpath.com/books/) you can learn other techniques to deal with negativity, how to use that for your growth and also how to start your journey to self-realization towards pure spiritual bliss.

Watch my video on this topic here.

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “I’m reading your book and I’m loving it. You’ve played an essential role in my search for peace. I’m eternally grateful!” – Roberta Rocha

Come to Belgium with me! I’ll be teaching every day, except Sundays, about the Bhagavad-gita and the 3T Path in a yoga teacher training course, in a beautiful castle in Belgium! The course is from the 1-29 of June 2018. Details and sign-up here: http://bhaktivedantacollege.com/events/yoga-teacher-training-course/!

The course is being organized by Bhaktivedanta College with Yoga Alliance RYT 200 certification. The students will have a deep and transformative experience, in a fairy-tale setting.

The castle is surrounded by quaint villages and rolling pastures in the heart of Belgium. The teachers are all dedicated spiritualists, with decades of experience and practice of yoga.

One of the asana teachers is the world-famous Gokulachandra. Check out his Instagram if you haven’t heard of him: https://www.instagram.com/gokulacandra/. And his teacher, Jayananda will also be there teaching asanas. He’s got a Ph.D. in religion and recently published a book, Inner Yoga.

I’ll be teaching a month-long course on the Bhagavad-gita, based on the version published recently by my spiritual master, H.D. Goswami, Comprehensive Guide to Bhagavad-gita with Literal Translation. I’ll be explaining the whole Bhagavad-gita with an emphasis on the practical application of the knowledge to transform our day-to-day lives, using the approach contained in The 3T Path.

The course will be entirely in English and previous experience in yoga is required.

More details and sign-up here: http://bhaktivedantacollege.com/events/yoga-teacher-training-course/! There is a 200 Euro discount if you sign-up before January 15, so hurry up!

Come join me in the Bahamas from the 15-18th of July for a beautiful Yoga Retreat in the Sivananda Ashram!

I’ll be speaking about The 3T Path – Self-improvement and self-realization in yoga.

What is yoga, really? Yoga is more than simple mindfulness and a technique for becoming happy. Yoga has the power to bring profound changes to our daily lives — and this is only the beginning.

Embark on a journey to explore yoga’s history as well as the various paths of yoga, including Bhakti, Jnana, and Karma Yoga. Learn about the seven dharmas and chakras, lifestyle choices within the yogic path, and practical techniques on how to implement positive changes into your daily life.

Explore the ways in which yogic mindfulness can make you happier and healthier. Dive into the ancient and modern techniques to achieve inner peace, no matter your external circumstances. Finally, explore the timeless mysteries of humanity: the concept of God, reincarnation, avatars, what love really is … and how yoga ties it all together.

For more information and sign-up sheet, go here.

If you want life to be good, you have to make it happen. Self-responsibility is the key term for a great life. You have to command your life, take control of your life. Here I’ll talk about this and how why it’s so important.

The first step to having a better life is self-observation. First, you have to learn to look inside, to observe your thoughts, desires, and feelings. You should become the witness of your mind.

Once you’re aware of yourself, then comes the second essential step: self-responsibility. Now you have to take control of your life. You must understand that you have the potential to completely determine your degree of happiness, satisfaction, peace, enthusiasm and so forth. You and only you.

I teach this mantra to help you take control of your life:

“I have created the life I live”

Repeated it over and over again. Repeat it until you stop blaming anyone or anything else for your unhappiness. Repeat it until you understand that your life is your creation. You built it, you got here by your choices. You created your life as it is now, which means you can now define what kind of life you want.

Better yet, you have the power to immediately change your well-being.

In the Bhagavad-gita, Krishna says, “the yogi depends on no-one”. You don’t depend on anyone or anything. You only depend on your own ability to live better. An ability which you can develop more and more.

In the book, “The 3T Path” (https://3tpath.com/books/) you’ll that there is a wide range of techniques and facts you need to make this happen. These are techniques that have been successfully employed by yogis for thousands of years, and which science is confirming and explaining. It’s not a wave-of-the-wand empty promise. These are real steps you can take, from multiple angles, to take control of your mind and thus your life experience. From diet to meditation, from philosophy to devotion.

Somebody could ask, “Doesn’t God help me? Isn’t my life also the work of God? What about my parents and friends? Haven’t they help my life be what it is today?” The answer is YES. But, never underestimate your role in your good fortune. If you have friends and family to help you out, it’s because you’ve done something right to earn them. You’ve done something right to keep them dear to you and you dear to them. As for God, Krishna says plainly in the Gita: “I’m equal to all”. God is equal to all, of course. But, He says, if you ask for His help, He’ll help you. So, even when it comes to getting more divine mercy, it’s still up to you to make it happen. You have to ask for it.

Being grateful is one of the many things you can practice, as part of your effort to take control of your life, to have a better life. So, it still boils down to you having to take command of your mind to be happy.

So, take control of your life. Learn to live better. Understand that you have this power. You have the means to define the quality of your life. All you need is the know-how and then the grit to make it happen.

Watch my video on this topic here.

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “A spectacular book. I’m experiencing great transformations in my life!” – Elton Orvate

Life’s full of ugly surprises. Not a day goes by without something or someone giving you trouble and pain. We have to learn to use this negativity to fuel our growth. Here we’ll see how you can do this.

Actually there are no problems. Think about it: what you call a problem is when something happened that you didn’t expect or desire. Where was this expectation and desire? In the future. Was it realistic? Apparently not. It was a fantasy. This is at the core of the 3T Path: changing from the fantasy paradigm to the life paradigm. Live life as it is, here and now.

And what you have here and now are challenges: from the smallest, like getting out of bed, taking a shower, and meditating for a while; to larger ones, like dealing with a difficult client or fighting off a bad cold; to epic ones, like dealing with a great loss or the death of a loved one. But that’s life: a series of challenges, right from the beginning. You had the challenge of dealing with birth, of learning to crawl, of needing sleep and motherly comfort. And it never stopped: first day of school, sharing your toys, sports, school, puberty, social life . . . non-stop challenges. This is just the way life is.

What you call a problem is just another challenge – life happening, as it always happens. There are no problems, just reality. And if it is different from what you expected or wanted, you can see how wrong you were in having expectations and undue attachments, living in the future instead of the present. What you call a problem has at the very least the benefit of bringing you back to the here and now and making you focus on your action and being yourself, exercising your wisdom and devotion.

Adversity is unavoidable; it’s part of life. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you have. Everyone has to deal with adversities, both large and small. But the great news is that suffering is optional.

You might think that suffering is something forced on you from the outside or that it is the natural result of a miserable event. If you stop and think about it, however, you’ll see that suffering is entirely self-imposed.

You and you alone create your own suffering as your mind refuses to synchronize with reality. All suffering is a result of your mind not being aligned with reality. The greater the difference, the more you suffer. The more you grab onto your fantasy, the more suffering you’ll experience in living a reality that doesn’t correspond.

The path to diminishing or even overcoming your suffering lies in following the steps of acceptance, gratitude, trust, and engagement in enlightened action, mindfully and according to your dharma. This brings your mind away from fantasy and to reality. It puts you in harmony with what’s really going on in your life.

Every situation, no matter how terrible, is a chance to deepen your spiritual consciousness and develop grit.

Some adverse situations come with hidden advantages. How many times have you experienced that not having your wish fulfilled turned out to be the best thing that could have happened? Has something seemingly bad, like being rejected by someone or being fired, ended up opening new doors in your life? As the saying goes, “Everything God does is good.”

You can change the world to a very limited degree, but you can drastically change your mind and how it interprets reality. Even as you try to adjust your material circumstances according to your dharmic duties, you must stay in harmony with the situation as it is, in the here and now, making the best of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Whenever a challenge arises, immediately skip over lamentation. Don’t let yourself be lost in complaint and self-pity. It’ll suck out all your power and drive, destroy your wellbeing. Immediately think: “What can I benefit from this situation? How will I become more detached, stronger and wiser from this?” And then, focus on your dharma, focus on taking a step forward, towards being the best you can be to rise up to the challenge, to face the situation that has arisen.

Watch my video on this topic here.

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “This book is incredible! It really changed my life and will change yours too.”

Here’s an essential advice to be happy: don’t compare yourself to others. Especially, don’t compare yourself to other people’s best version of themselves on social media. So, what standard should we use to judge ourselves? Here I’ll explain these points.

Strangely, we like to hurt ourselves. We like to trash our self-esteem, severely criticize ourselves and, in general, find ways to make us feel bad. It’s bizarre, but everyone does it or has done at some point. Some people do it all the time.

One way to hurt yourself, which is common and damaging, is to compare yourself to others.

Externally speaking, anything we have – any ability, any aspect of our body, career, relationships and everything else – can be measured in comparison with another, in a depreciative manner.

It doesn’t matter who you are, it’s certain that someone else has a better body, better hair, a fatter bank account, a better car, more fame, more confidence, more charm… and so forth. Even among spiritual types you get this, where people compare themselves with others to see who meditates better, chants kirtan better, knows the sacred texts better, are more devoted to God or are closer to the guru. It’s nuts!

Worse of all, these days we compare ourselves to the very best version of others, carefully crafted and manipulated on social media. It’s not enough that the other person is better looking, we want to compare our tired version in front of the bathroom mirror with that person’s photoshopped picture, with just the right angle, light and smile. We want to compare a difficult day at the office, with someone’s romanticized and highly edited version of their vacation. It’s a painful illusion.

We are all unique individuals. Each one of us has his gifts and his challenges. Each has his story. It’s impossible to compare. There is no use, and it doesn’t help.

It’s self-torture to compare yourself to others. Don’t let your mind slide into this mode of thinking. With your power of self-observation and self-command, stop your mind from doing this.

Comparison is natural, however. So, let’s choose a healthy standard for comparing ourselves: let’s compare ourselves, to the very best version of ourselves! When you act, ask yourself: “is this the best I can do? Am I showing the world the best version of myself?” This works and this is useful! Strive to be the best person you can be. You have to want it because it takes strength of will, grit, and determination to do so. The result is awesome though: you’ll feel great and you’ll make the most of your life.

The world doesn’t need you to be like anyone else. It just needs the best version of yourself.

In the book, “The 3T Path” (https://3tpath.com/books/), you’ll learn just how you can be the best version of yourself, untapping your full mental, emotional and spiritual potential.

Watch my video on this topic here.

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “I’m reading and re-reading it. Your book is very precious” – Roberto Vargas

Do you have a hard time starting good things in your life and sticking to them? Do you fail to take care of yourself? Do you often find yourself in situations in which you’re unhappy? Maybe the problem is lack of self-love. We have to learn to love ourselves, as an essential part of the path of self-improvement and self-realization. But how do we do this?

You’re running around working hard, taking care of others, with so many plans and goals. But where are you in all of this? Did you forget yourself?

It may seem like a positive thing to say that you don’t think of yourself, that you only think of the well-being of others. But, in reality, it doesn’t really work like this. After all, if you’re not well, how much can you really help others? And in many cases, this disregard from your own self translates into a type of self-sabotage, in which everything in your life goes wrong.

Because of this, spiritualists and therapists conclude that it’s necessary to develop self-love. Learn to love yourself fully so you can be yourself fully. In doing that you can maximize your potential to love and serve others. But what does it mean to love yourself? How can you develop self-love?

One of my favorite quotes is attributed to Saint Mother Theresa: “The fruit of prayer is love. The fruit of love is service”. We can reverse this sequence: service leads to love, which leads to spirituality. So, to learn to love yourself, you need to serve yourself.

How do demonstrate love? What does it mean to serve someone? It means doing things for that person, seeing how best to increase their physical well-being and overall joy. To develop self-love, then, do the same – for yourself!

Start taking care of your body, mind, and spirit. For your body, eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. Stop hurting your body with cigarettes, booze, drugs and carcinogenic foods, such as meat. For your mind, develop a program for inner peace, take care of your emotions and free yourself from the opinion of others. And for your spirit, take seriously to the path of self-realization, with a daily program for advancement, with meditation, prayer and so forth.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself presents. Have “you” time in your busy schedule, doing things you like to do. Even Krishna says in the Bhagavad-gita that you can’t be a yogi if you don’t have leisure and recreation. Value your well-being in the knowledge that the world needs you strong and well, so that you can perform your duties to the best of your abilities.

Our great spiritual master, Swami Prabhupada, would remind us that if a ship goes down at sea, first you must make sure you’re not drowning before you can help others from drowning. If you’re drowning, you can’t help anyone else. When we’re not well, we not only cannot help others, we end up being a burden. If you don’t love yourself, you will likely bring strife and pain to those around you too.

In the book, “The 3T Path” (https://3tpath.com/books/), you’ll find hundreds of suggestions and time-tested techniques for taking great care of your body, mind, and spirit. As you develop love for yourself, you’ll be able to love others and, finally, love God.

Watch my video on this topic here.

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “The 3T Path is magnificent, objective, accessible and extremely didactic” – Clóvis Melo

Learn how to say “no”. This can change your life. We have to learn that it’s important to not accept everything others ask us to do, and to say no in a positive manner, that won’t cause you problems. Here I’ll explain the “positive no” technique and why it’s important.

Saying “no” is important because we’re limited. Saying “no” allows us to say “yes” to those things that are important to us, those things that’ll fulfill our purpose.

You have a purpose and you must live your dharma. In the book, “The 3T Path” (https://3tpath.com/books/), I explain in detail the concept of dharma how this is an essential component of a great life as well as your self-realization. Your dharma is your essence. To live your dharma means to fulfill your purpose, to be you. It’s your essence in action.

You must, therefore, act within your dharma. If you accept a task that’s outside your dharma, you are violating yourself, and failing to do something that was a part of you. This is why it’s essential to say “no” to get a “yes”.

The researcher William Ury, co-founder of the Program of Negotiation at Harvard University, developed the concept of the positive no. The “no”, he says, that’ll take you to a “yes”. After all, if somebody asks us for something, they’re opening themselves up to us. This opening, this call for help, should not be ignored or mistreated. The “no” should be delivered in such a way that you don’t create ill-will or hurt. It should be an enlightened “no”, based on reason. You’re not saying “no” out of spite or laziness, but because you sincerely and truly have another more important use of your time and energy.

The positive “no” works like this:

1. You value the person and what they’re trying to accomplish. When someone is asking you for help, understand what it is they want and what they’re trying to accomplish. Express your appreciation of what they’re trying to do. Make it real, from the heart. This, by itself, will brighten that person’s day.
2. Value your own actions and purpose. Explain what it is you’re doing and how it’s important as an expression of who you are. Sometimes people just ask you to do things because they don’t care about you and know nothing about what you’re doing. They might be seeing you only as a means to facilitate their goals. This is where you enlighten the person as to your purpose and actions.
3. Because you have your goals, you explain that you’re busy and cannot assume the task they asked of you. The fact that you’re busy in your purpose explains why you cannot drop that and take up someone else’s work, or be part of some other project. You already have something to do, so you cannot do something else as well. It’s logical, not personal. It’s not a slight or an offense. It’s just the facts of life.
4. Close it with a “yes”. Having explained that you cannot do what the person asked, you can find out how you can help in some other way, that’s within the boundaries of your dharma. Maybe you find someone who can do what they wanted, or you can give a suggestion and point them in the right direction. Show you care and that you want to support the person.

Helping others is great. We want to serve and be useful. We want to see others happy. But we must do this within our dharma, according to our nature and within the confines imposed by reality. The positive no will give you the technique these often delicate moments of being firm, but without seeming harsh and uncaring. It’ll help you stay on track of your objectives while still preserving your relationships.

Watch my video on this topic here.

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “a fantastic and very revealing book” – Pedro Rodrigues