What to do when you’re ignored or when someone hurts your feelings? How can stop being so disturbed by other people? This can be an endless source of suffering for most people, but here’s a key practical change you can implement to finally overcome this problem.
If someone else’s behavior bothers or even hurts you emotionally, then what is that saying about you? We get so comfortable blaming others for our troubles, playing the victim card, that we seldom stop to think about what is really going on. So, let’s take a closer look.
For someone to bother you, you must have, at some point, mentalized a version of reality in which that person should have behaved in some other way. You looked to the world, saw its components, and decided, “yep, life to be good requires that person X behaves within these boundaries, or better yet, does exactly this…” and then you went on to further fantasize on just how you wanted person X to behave, perhaps lavishing you with attention, loving your ideas or just generally fulfilling your expectations.
I’ll be bold and venture a guess here: it wasn’t just about person X, was it? You probably came up with a script for just about everyone around you. Shakespeare move aside! You’re now the playwright and you’ve got a script for every actor on the stage of the world.
But lo and behold! They didn’t get a copy of your script! They’re just going about life as if it was their lot to decide what to do, without consulting you!
Seriously? Tell me this is not exactly what we tend to do. And, of course, it fails, time and time again. If your happiness depends on somebody else’s behavior you’re heading for a painful wake-up call.
Expecting people to behave a certain way is part of the fantasy paradigm, as I call it in my 3T Path. It’s the false and painful idea that happiness comes from the outside and depends on owning things, on situations and on people acting a certain way. In my book, available at www.3TPath.com, I explain in detail why this concept is such a failure and how scientific studies confirm this.
The solution is to live what I call the paradigm of reality. Bring your focus to your life, and how you’re living it. Control that which can, or at least should be, under your control – your own self. Focus your attention on how well you’re behaving, on the joy of living your nature, of being kind and, most intensely, on being spiritually connected. This focus on what scientists call intrinsic goals is what truly nurtures you and it’s the only real foundation on which to build your well-being.
If someone else’s behavior bothers you, take a deep breath, look inside and see how and why you’re living the fantasy paradigm. When and why did you sabotage yourself by attributing your happiness to somebody else’s behavior? Then with a friendly chastisement let that pain slide away and focus again on your behavior, on living your life. Take joy in being the best person you can be, the most dharmic, the most spiritual.
Check out my video on this topic.
Check out what people are saying about my new book: “Perfect background for all readers regardless of current knowledge level of yoga.” – Jill Baker
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