Research shows most of our happiness depends on our relationships. For most us, the most impacting relationship is that of our significant other, marriage or life partner, however you want to phrase it. Here are two things you need to check about someone to make sure they’re the right person for a loving conjugal relationship.

There’s a great piece of wisdom to be taken from relationship guru, Jane Austen. She says we need to look for two things in our potential life partner: esteem and gratitude. Let’s take a closer look at these two and why this is such great advice.

Esteem is in the sense of seeing something in the other person that impresses you. Something you look up to as a great quality or ability. For some it might be particular strength, such as intelligence or leadership, or it might be a quality, such as compassion and kindness. For others it might be a particular gift of musicality, athleticism or dancing skills. Ideally, of course, a combination of qualities and abilities.

If you’re going to dedicate a portion of your every day to someone, that someone better have something you want to invest in, something you want to be a part of, even if only in a supporting role. By being aligned with your significant other’s purpose, you too derive satisfaction and meaning by being by his or her side. The time and dedication you give that person, is your way of participating in that purpose, which you also value.

Having esteem for someone, however, is not enough. For a relationship to hold, it must be a two-way street. Here, the second thing to look for comes in: gratitude.

Gratitude means that your potential spouse is doing something for you, something you can be grateful for. That person’s qualities and abilities must directly impact your life in a positive way. You have to see in what way does the existence of that person make your life better.

Notice here the focus is internal. “Cute” is not going to last. You can’t hold someone in high esteem just because they have nice hair or a nice body, and you certainly shouldn’t do it just because they currently have a nice job and money. These things come and go and a relationship started on such fickle grounds comes to a ruinous end in a short time. The internal stuff, qualities and abilities, last potentially a person’s entire life. Even athleticism and dancing graces last into old age in the form of specialized knowledge and passion for that field, which can inspire and be passed on to others.

So, there you go, just two things to analyze before tying the knot: esteem and gratitude. Brilliant stuff from Jane Austen.

In the book “The 3T Path” ( I devote a section of the book to the theme of inner peace, with a focus on dealing with your emotions in a positive and healthy manner as a key component to your well-being.

Watch my video on this topic here.


Giridhari Das

Look what they’re saying about The 3T Path book: “Quite an achievement.” – Joshua M. Greene (Yogesvara Das), author, researcher and lecturer